Identify the Gaps

Are you tired of saying yes all the time, even though you know it’s not really want to do? 

Do you find it challenging to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs and desires? 

Do you identify as a people pleaser?

It’s so hard to say no and then to overcome the guilt and the fear. There is an art to saying no.

Most of us in our industry have servant's hearts. We truly want to serve. We're in it for the impact we can make. We want to make a difference in people's lives. But when we give that much priority over everything else, we forget sometimes that we need to take care of ourselves first. 

I am a reformed people pleaser. I still want to make people happy. But not to my own detriment and not to my family's detriment. It feels really hard to hold the line and hold the boundaries sometimes. We have to learn how to navigate saying no without fear, without guilt, without judgment. You can't control what other people are judging, but we do not need to explain or defend our choices. 

You often have parents that come to you about not being happy about your policies and boundaries. They are your policies and your boundaries. You don’t need to explain or defend them. No is a complete sentence! So, if there is something that is asked of you that does not align with your values, your goals, your vision for yourself or your business, then it's an easy no. And no is a complete sentence! You do not have to elaborate.

I think sometimes in our industry there are boundaries that are crossed because parents start to feel very entitled. Sometimes this happens because we’ve given them that power in the past. Learn to hold those boundaries. This is your business and you get to decide how it runs, what it looks like, your goals, and your vision. You have to be so connected to your core values for your business and your personal core values that you are unwavering when you are challenged. Of course, there are going to be times when people challenge you.

I believe that people-pleasing tendencies are deep rooted and they start with a story when we are young. It takes a long time to break some of those stories. These stories tend to involve fear or anger. I see a problem with the lack and scarcity mindset because it is ingrained that there is only so much room in the industry, in your town for certain businesses. Lack and scarcity move in. This opens up judgment and competition. 

Then we couple the feelings of judgment and competition with the whole idea that if I'm not good enough then people will all leave, we invent stories around this in our heads. Those stories are told out of fear and lack.

Anger tends to mean I'm not happy. So, if your goal is solely to keep people happy, you tend to be a people pleaser. And, if they're angry or upset, the story that we tell ourselves is that we have failed. We are a failure because we haven’t pleased them. Sometimes to avoid that anger or to avoid disappointment, we rush to apologize or do whatever we think we can that will make them happy before they're actually angry at us. It's a vicious, vicious, vicious cycle.

The best way to move past these tendencies is to know your core values. People pleasing will come back to bite you in the butt every time. 

What are your top 3-5 core values for your studio? 

What are your top 3-5 core values for yourself?